I’m very selective of whom I would call a friend. Having said that, I have made very good friends with one of my coworkers. I’m even friends with his wife. When I’m having a rough time with something, I know that I immediately could turn to them for unwavering support, advice, or help. They are truly wonderful people.
This coworker, I don’t like to name names so I will call him K. He’s not my “boss” per se, but he definitely has the authority to say- you will do (insert random task here). If he were ever to read this, he would probably be laugh because though he has this “power”, he rarely exercises it. More so, I usually end up yelling at him to delegate and I end up taking over whatever I have enough knowledge about to help get it crossed off the ever-expanding ‘To Do’ list. We’re actually a pretty good team.
I respect K. I respect him as a person, a coworker, and as a friend. But being in the industry for less than a year, I do occasionally drop the ball. When this happens, K is not afraid to call me out on it. He never intentionally means to cut me down in the process but no matter how gently he tells me I fucked up… bottom line is- I fucked up. I feel like I let him down and I hate feeling like I’ve let people down. I take criticism from him really personally and it ends up ruining my whole day. Sometimes I even feel the need to defend myself and I end up angry and talking back to him, even though in the back of my mind I know he’s right. (God, I hope he never reads this!)
Now what you wouldn’t realize from this post thus far, is that I actually take constructive criticism really well! Occasionally, I have my snap reaction of- what an asshole!- that immediately dissipates and I know that it’s only to help me improve. I appreciate the feedback so that I have the chance to get better. But it’s so hard to take it from K sometimes. Is it because he’s my friend too? Is it because he knows me outside of work? You’d think that would make criticism from him easier to listen to but it’s the exact opposite for me.
So I pose the question to you! How do you deal with feedback when it’s not exactly what you were hoping to hear?
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I ask the following question without any judgment whatsoever:
Are you absolutely certain you don’t have feelings beyond friendship for K? Could that be why you have such a strong response to his criticism?
You don’t have to answer me, of course. It just came to mind, and I thought it might be a question to ask yourself.
Looks like your off to a nice start with you blog as well as your career. Keep it up!
By Lottie on 06.20.08 11:32 pm | Permalink
Lottie!
haha! Thanks for the comment, but no. He actually reads this and he’d spit out the diet coke he’s probably drinking when he sees that!! He’s more like a big brother looking out for my best interests. I think it more so has to do with my constant need to please and feeling like I let people down… especially when I let down friends or people close to me. I can’t sleep at night if I’m on bad terms with someone.
I actually live with my boyfriend and am very happy… hoping for that NEXT step, if ya know what I mean. But that’s another post for another time!
By catalysta on 06.20.08 11:51 pm | Permalink
That makes perfect sense; better than what I suggested Haha…
And I can totally relate! I’m the same way, and I lose sleep over it too.
By Lottie on 06.21.08 11:41 am | Permalink
Oh… I meant to say that I love the comic and can relate to that as well. It also made for a good laugh.
By Lottie on 06.21.08 11:44 am | Permalink
I have a tough time with criticism.
I take it personally, in direct proportion to my attachment to a particular outcome. And being tied to that endpoint trips me up each time. For me, it comes down to my ego.
The accumulation of choices we make bring us the feedback we need, to point us in the right direction. We still have absolute choice — that’s the cool-shit part of the deal. A tolerance for making mistakes is critical. But it’s my responsibility to learn from them. I get it.
Why is it harder, though, from people that I care about? My investment in a larger outcome. It’s not just about task A or project X, it’s about accepting me as a person. Or maybe it’s a misperception that it’s about accepting me as a person — either way, my feelings don’t discriminate, or recognize a hard drawn line.
Lottie’s insightful comments do deserve some credit here, too. Anything that makes K spit out that Diet Coke(R) is appreciated. That stuff is bad for you. Some say the aspartame (which decomposed into DKP and formaldehyde under normal storage conditions) causes MS-like symptoms. It sounds like your friend/colleague may have some kind of problem.
By slightlyseven on 06.23.08 12:21 am | Permalink
The great thing about being a first-time professional is that everyone expects you to fuck up. The line is drawn in the quantity and magnitude of the mistake. As long you keep them both to a minimum, you should be fine. No one is perfect. Ever. Even people who have been doing what you do forever make mistakes. Heard of Enron? Or George W. Bush? Mistakes o’plenty. Luckily you’re getting feedback from someone you know and respect, so you can be confident that it’s done with good intentions. When folks start throwing you under the bus, then you might want to worry. When I was new, I found people respected me more when I not only owned up to my mistakes, but I took the initiative to repair them.
By Jenn on 06.23.08 4:53 pm | Permalink
It’s not that he’s your friend, or that he’s your boss – it’s that he never feels like your boss until he has to act like it. Which, par for the course, will be when you fuck up. And because this is the only time he feels like a boss, he still won’t actually *feel* like a boss so much as a friend claiming moral high-ground they don’t actually have, and riding you for it. Which anyone would resent. That’s the dealie with modern workplaces – you can be friends with your boss, but it makes legitimate discipline tricky, and unfair discipline a friendship-wrecker.
It’s hard to rationalise our feelings, even when we know why they happen. But so long as you don’t carry resentment of any discipline into friendship time (unless it’s clearly meant as teasing) or full emotional blackmail or yell or something, you’ll be shiny. If you’re anything like me, you take constructive criticism well because you can shut up and listen to what the other person says, simmer quietly for ten minutes, then sift through your recollection and conclude that, no matter how much it pisses you off, you were wrong, and there’s something to learn.
By fozmeadows on 06.25.08 1:05 am | Permalink
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