My theory is that, what with the universe being a random, chaotic and unjust place (unjust, in the sense that fairness isn’t built into how atoms spin or branches fall) we get scared at the idea – or rather, the realisation – of how much is actually out of our hands. Typically human response? We imagine a world in which attainting *this* state in life or *that* possession will somehow make us happy. The idea being, it no longer matters that we can’t control events, because we can control things, or, failing that, work towards them. But it’s not a perfect system: we get wrapped up in it, funny little ape-descended creatures that we are, and start stressing that we can’t *have* the things or don’t know which things to get first, or which ones work best….and so on.

Solution (when we can manage it, a tricky psychological proposition at the best of times): ignore the things. Accept that some stuff is out of your hands, and enjoy the ride. It’s not like the universe has a control hatch you can lift up,jigging a few wires so that the ideal husband/wife/partner/child/pet/job/house/whatever spontaneously pops into being. We have to slog it out through the long road. But, hey – the long road can be kinda fun. As a species, we tend to like pleasant surprises and earning our rewards more than anything else: but the former we can’t strive for, and the latter takes time. So, to fill the time, we invent the idea of Things. But that’s all they are: just constructs, expectations, and they don’t even have to be ours – as much as anything else, they’re socially conditioned.

…I’m getting a bit social-theory-rambly now, so I’ll shut up. Somewhere in all of that, I’m almost *certain* I made a point.

By Foz Meadows on 07.28.08 2:35 am | Permalink

I think you can have it all. Just not at the same time. : )

My personal belief is that the pressure these days comes from the television and electronics overload. Kids want everything they see and there IS a lot of instant gratification from the parents. So when they get older and don’t get-it-when-they-want-it, it’s harder to handle.

Just a thought! Good post.

By Alice on 07.28.08 6:41 am | Permalink

I think there’s a difference between what you expect and what you get. We say we want a relationship and then when we get it, we’re all “No, not this relationship. I meant THAT one!” It may come down to clarifying exactly what we want. Being specific.

As we get older, I think what you want becomes less material and more substantial. You go from “I want David Beckham” (biceps, smile, square jaw) to “I want Will Smith” (good dad, great sense of humor, still kinda hot though). Or “I want a great job” (tons of money) to “I want a great career” (clear expectations, creative environment, open communication).

By thecoconutdiaries on 07.28.08 11:06 am | Permalink

I just decided to put my Ph.D. off for a year because I have been so focused on “getting there” that I haven’t been spending enough time enjoying now. Once I made that decision, it was such a relief. It’s like I gave myself permission to have fun. It has made a huge difference. I am still swamped with things I have to do but I realized that having it all doesn’t mean that you are enjoying any of it.

By Dingo on 07.28.08 1:14 pm | Permalink

I like to blame it mostly on the media, in every form. Look in the newspaper – you either see really bad news or really great news. You never see the mediocre news about someone’s everyday life and them being absolutely thrilled. So you see the crappy things going on and you know that your life isn’t quite that bad, but then you see the article about a scientific break-through, or so and so getting married, or this person just won a million dollars. They’re two extremes that are impossible to meet, so we’re stuck in the middle and really don’t know how to judge. Meanwhile, subconsciously, our hearts are teling us that we’re just being crazy and that we’re truly content. I don’t know about the rest of you, but my mind over-rules my heart all the time, thus the really stupid decisions I make in nearly everything I do (there’s the pessimism again! stupid brain).

I also belive that some has to do with how women have evolved. Our hearts are still stuck in the 50s where romance was something that was found everywhere. Now that we’re in the 2000s, life is too crazy and busy to slow down for romance. I think that we have a lot more pressure on us than we used to, especially when it comes to what is expected of us. We raise the kids, we make the dinner, we now have to work and be damn good at it and compete not only with the men, but also with other damn good women. It’s tiring and by the end of the day I’m so worn down, I don’t have time to reflect on what really matters – my friends and family who give me the best moments of my life. Instead, I call it a night and go to bed.

I am green with envy for you, Dingo, for having the will power to take a break and enjoy your life. I wish I could do the same, but for now, I’ll blame it on my brain for being conditioned to be some super-power-woman-that-has-to-be-perfect-at-doing-everything-but-being-happy since birth + an ulcer.

By Miranda on 07.29.08 5:28 pm | Permalink

Romance was found everywhere in the 50s? I’ve just been doing some reading on this for uni, so I have to butt in with arandom facts – in America in the 50s, if you were a woman who expressed the desire to never have children, you could be given electroshock therapy, because it was seen as an emotionally deviant wish. Very romantic.

By Foz Meadows on 07.29.08 11:12 pm | Permalink

I agree with you Foz Meadows. I personally view the 50′s as oppressive and terrible. However, I think Miranda meant that it just appeared like it was everywhere and that “ideal” happy life where everyone seemed to love housework and ugly outfits…

By MsCatalysta on 07.30.08 7:21 am | Permalink

True, true – I;m just being pedantic. It comes from being married to a philosopher!

By Foz Meadows on 07.30.08 8:10 pm | Permalink