Guilty. 

I am the office cryer. Well I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I don’t just start crying for no reason. I don’t cry when the printer is out of paper. I don’t even cry when I’m being reprimanded. But when I get really passionate about something or I’m trying to explain why I’m upset or frustrated- sometimes I just can’t hold back the tears.

I hate it! I hate being that one that can’t suck it up. Maybe it’s inexperience. Maybe it’s age. Maybe it’s just that I give a damn. Who knows? But of course I’ve been watching the Olympics- specifically gymnastics. I see these tiny Chinese girls (who are clearly and obviously 12 years old and not 16 as China tries to claim) and the USA women falling or stumbling and carrying themselves off with such grace. You can tell they are upset and maybe even holding back tears but they compose themselves and accept their less than perfect score and move on. I admire that. But even back in my competition gymnast days when I fell off the beam or tripped on floor, I cried. I’m just not good at holding back.

And what’s worse is that once I start- I can’t stop. If someone tries to sympathize or give me a hug of support- I lose it farther! Then it becomes an uncontrollable sobbing. And I’m an ugly cryer. My nose starts to run and my face gets all blotchy. My eyes get so puffy you can barely see them not that it matters because they are completely bloodshot anyway. My hair suddenly becomes a bird nest from my fidgeting and the inevitable bucket of tears and snot that somehow made their way into it. I’m a mess. There’s no coming back from that gracefully. The entire day people come up to talk to you and suddenly stop dead in their tracks because it looks like someone just told you your puppy has been shot. Not exactly the professional picture you’d like to paint. And by that point, I’ve probably fallen into a deep pit of despair and self-loathing for letting something or someone get the better of me that I beat myself up over it for hours and hours- sometimes weeks. Other people have probably long forgotten- but not me.

But now I need to learn. I need to dig deep and shut down the waterworks. Channel my inner Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson. I need to learn some grace and poise. And maybe keep the tissues handy…

Anyone else an office cryer or have a good story about one?

A little while ago, I wrote about how difficult it is to take criticism from coworkers who also happen to be friends. I used the example of my Coworker K. Well maybe I found the reason why. Maybe I have an issue with separating personal from professional. That’s not really a maybe- that’s a definitely. I just can’t seem to separate the two. When can you go to a coworker as a friend and not fear crossing some straight professional line? How much of yourself can you really let people know? And worse yet- when the coworker starts off as a friend first, and then becomes coworker only- it makes the relationship even harder to navigate. Do you pull away completely and close yourself off to all personal contact? Or do you have to play that stupid game where you can only tell some things and not others? I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. I don’t play the games- never have. I’m not a fake person and if I hate you I’m going to tell you. If you upset me, I’m going to let you know. I’m not going to pretend that you’re some wonderful person if you’re not. That’s something I pride myself on. If I worked with my best friend and I got upset with her outside of work for something, then it would be difficult to act like I’m ok with her at work. Even though I know it’s necessary and in a lot of cases, mandatory.

But other than checking every syllable, every thought, and every keystroke- what are we real people supposed to do? We aren’t robots. Our personality is what makes us who we are. I was hired based on my personality- I had 0 experience. My enthusiasm, willingness to learn, and honest acknowledgment of my shortcomings is what got me where I am. And now I feel like those traits that inherently make me who I am- need to be beaten out of me to succeed. Maybe I’m totally off-base. But think about it… someone used this analogy with me the other day and it made a lot of sense. If you absolutely hated the owner of the company you work for or the CEO or someone of that power- would you tell him you hated him or cop some bitchy attitude with him if he asked you to do something. No way! You’d smile and accept any task graciously and eagerly and then you’d get that task done as quickly, efficiently, and beautifully as you possibly could. 

Back to my point. I try to hold my emotions. I try to stay professional. But what if your frustrations don’t lie with the owner of the company? What if they are just with any person at work? Sometimes you just can’t help it. I get upset. I take things personally. I probably shouldn’t, but I do.  You can’t let your personal life interfere with your professional life. But I just don’t know how to shut myself off.

Are we starting to see a pattern here? 

So how do you do it? How do you control your emotions even when you want to scream? Write it off as stupid work problem? Laugh it off? Go home and do a lot of bitching but smile like everything is cool tomorrow? Seriously?! I need some tips! 

Dear Ms. Catalysta,

You need to get your ass in gear. You’ve stopped running. You’re eating like crap. You read great posts by new bloggy friends and you feel so inspired and yet you don’t use it! What is your deal? There are things to be getting ready for like Sister’s wedding! Dresses to fit into and things to get you moving and yet you sit. 

Peeing dog wants you to take her for long walks. Your ass is begging you to stop eating that cookie. You aren’t a big girl but you know those clothes aren’t looking as good as they could and you’re lucky that obesity doesn’t run in your family otherwise you’d be in trouble. 

But it’s not just the diet and exercise routine that’s slacking. You’re letting stupid things get the better of you and you’re definitely sweating the small stuff. For your own mental well being you need to let it go. Breathe in, breathe out and release the bullshit that’s crowding your life. Maybe you need to find another good yoga studio? And actually start doing that Zumba class you talked about.

You’re also getting sloppy. Some of your work is better than ever, while other stuff is lacking. You need to step it up. Step up your game. Stop complaining and start doing. Sadly, no one else is going to notice any of the crap or problems until it’s already changed and you should have learned by now that no one else is going to change it for you. No one else is going to take your side until you give them a reason to. You need to take active steps to change it. 

So how can we strike a deal? How can your mind overcome the nonsense and the laziness? What will finally be the breaking point? I think when you go home for Sister’s bridal shower this weekend, you should step on the scale, and face the harsh reality. Then when you get back to Columbus, you should start getting up 15 minutes earlier and start getting to work earlier- and by earlier I mean ON time. Then start working harder. Be smarter, be faster, try harder. 

That’s all. You know you can do it. You want it badly enough so let’s make something happen. 

Now that you’ve had your fill of cliches for the night, I think you need to go to bed early and think about the changes you need to make.

Thanks for hearing me out,
Meg’s Mind

PS Please post all motivational tidbits you’d like to offer in the form of comments. Anything and everything is appreciated. I need it all! Thanks! 

I have some troubles dropping my issues at the door. I’m one of those heart on my sleeve people and though I usually pride myself on my openness sometimes it’s not always the best quality in a group environment. If I had a bad night or I had a tiff with boyfriend- I’m not easily able to shut myself off. If someone asks me out of sheer politeness, “Hey Meg, how are you?” and I had a bad night/morning/whatever, they will almost without a doubt get every detail of said aggravation. Not good. 

I am an over-sharer.

When I was in college, I used to waitress. I got so good at being able to turn off the motor mouth in me and smile- it was for the sake of tips. No one wants a bitchy waitress. I need to find that again. I need to find that balance where I’m outgoing and still myself, but a bit more toned down version of myself. I believe it’s called “professionalism?” I need to find that “off” button. 

I’ve never been diagnosed with any kind of crazy. But I have to say I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if they came back to say- yep, you have a typical case of (insert random crazy-disorder)  and you need a very large dose of (insert one of any bazillion prescribed anti-crazy medications here).

Then again… maybe it’s just one of those days. (I hope). 

**I realize I have left myself open here for a whole slew of mockery and crazy jokes! I’m good at laughing at myself so go for it… but try to be a little kind here!!  I also just realized that I have a category titled “Xanax induced sleep” for some irony… interesting… **