Nothing can end engagement bliss quite like discussing the wedding budget. Pretty much the only time Chris and I ever get angry with one another is when discussing where the wedding funds will be going. As my Twitter friend @mirnygirly so wisely pointed out “It’s only a problem if you don’t have enough.” And who really has “enough” cash these days? In this economy stretching your money is a talent and a necessity. But even pinching those pennies as small as you can still might not get you as much as you hoped.

Be careful not to let the budget overwhelm you. If you’re like me, you’re probably doing most of the planning yourself while only bugging the groom when his opinion is necessary. Try to sit down every few weeks and show your groom what you are doing. Show him where your funds are going. This way he can see where you’re cutting costs and together you can identify the areas where you want to scrimp or splurge. Make sure there is plenty of compromise and that your vision for your day is in alignment and that both of you are being realistic about the cost of everything and what you can actually spend.

When either of you starts to feel a minor heart attack coming on over costs, put down your computer and step away from your number crunching. Go do something fun together that takes your mind off of planning. Come back to it with clear minds in a day or so and decide what can be done then. You won’t get anywhere yelling at each other and you won’t be open to hearing what the other person has to say. Take a step back and make sure the wedding budget isn’t slowly ruining your relationship one deposit at a time.

Your day will be beautiful because you’re celebrating your commitment and love to one another and that’s the same whether you spend $10,000 or $100,000. When you think of it that way, you’ll start to realize how silly you’ve been over chair covers or soup vs. salad. You can also rest assured that you won’t have to file for bankruptcy (or divorce) the day after you return from your honeymoon.

Photo Courtesy of WeddingSource.com

I was so excited for my Mom to get here on Friday with my wedding dress. (No, not the Vera sadly.) It had been at my parent’s house in Buffalo for 2 weeks and I wouldn’t let my mom open the box until she was with me. Finally, I undid the tape and slowly lifted the beautiful fabric out of the many layers of plastic and wrapping. I held the gown up and looked at it. It was beautiful but something wasn’t right. I chalked it up to getting smooshed in a box for 2 weeks and convinced myself that all it needed was a good steaming and fluffing. I know I love my dress but I’ve been battling wedding dress second guessings for awhile… so I decided to put it on to show my Mom and also stifle my “something wrong” feeling.
Sadly, this stifled nothing… it merely confirmed my bad feelings. The dress didn’t fit. It was so tight in the bust I could barely breathe but so large in the hip that it was laying all wrong. Then I started to notice the poor construction all over the place. The dress wasn’t laying right not just because it was too big, but the top layer was sewn to the inside lining in random places all over. The bust line, which was one of the major selling points of the dress, was also completely messed up! The manufacturer actually sewed down parts that were supposed to be sticking up. My beautiful wedding dress was a total and complete disaster. It was so poorly made that it barely resembled the sample dress I tried on at the store back in April, that gave me happy visions of not just walking, but skipping down the aisle.

Insert mini breakdown here.

It’s things like this that make me want to just run away and elope. The good news is that the store is trying to help me. Throughout this whole process, they have been incredibly helpful and hopefully they can do something to remedy this situation. Due to the construction issues alone, they are trying to get the manufacturer to make me an entirely new dress. They are also trying to get it made in the next size up to accommodate my bust. I have not been given confirmation yet if this will all be possible… I’m waiting anxiously.

Lesson Learned: It’s never too early to buy your dress. I would advise all brides to start looking at dresses and styles immediately after getting engaged. Then as soon as you pick your date and venue, go buy your dress. This way you know everything will tie together in style AND assures that there’s plenty of time to fix any problems that might arise. I’ve heard much worse stories than mine where bridal salons go out of business, tailors hold dresses hostage, dresses getting destroyed, you name it. This way you take every precaution that you don’t end up dress-less on your big day.
Or worse…

I’ve been researching this topic quite a bit recently. It seems to be a hot button on many forums and wedding boards. So I thought it was worth a discussion here.

I polled my twitter friends and overwhemlingly the response came back that adult only receptions or weddings are a reasonable request with a few exceptions. Since this is a big and most likely expensive day, the couple is allowed to dictate a few things. This might be viewed as inconvenient or rude by others and that is something you’ll have to accept, should you decide to have an adult only reception.

You should expect to take some flack from family and friends with kids. However, if you want an adult only reception- which in my opinion is completely reasonable- here are my tips to ensure the least amount of complaints from your guests and therefore less stress for you-

• Pick an age limit- say 10 and under- and discuss with your fiance and parents that no children in that bracket will be invited. No exceptions.
• If a flower girl and/or ring bearer are in your party, consider only having them at the ceremony and not the reception. This backs up your “adult only” policy and will help your case that you are not picking and choosing specific children.
• Clearly communicate this via all wedding invites, info, etc. For example, address the invitations directly to the members of the family who are invited. You can also include the exact number of seats reserved for them on the RSVP card. I would also add a small blurb on your wedding website that says “Adult only” reception in your description. Feel free to see how I worded this request on our personal wedding website.
• Give a personal call to the guests who did not get the message from the invitation and RSVPed with their children anyway. Kindly apologize and explain that children cannot be accommodated. Feel free to throw in the phrase “due to budget” if you need a better excuse.
• Accept the fact that no matter how tactfully you ask, some people might be offended and not come. This is unfortunate but still a possibility and you have to be ready for it.
• Don’t feel guilty! Remember that your guests are not footing your bill nor will they be able to take back the actions of their children should they all of the sudden throw a tantrum in the middle of your vows, which is then captured on video for all eternity. If you want an adult only affair, stick to your guns and try not to feel guilty.
• Offer to hire a couple of babysitters at one of the wedding party hotels or suites, kind of like a temporary daycare for the evening. You can cover an up-front fee for the sitters and then the parents can pay the sitter’s hourly rate per child. This way you look helpful and thoughtful for your guests and less like the child-hating bridezilla.
• For the guests- try to be understanding of the couple’s request. It is not a personal attack against you or your children. The couple just chooses to celebrate with the people who really “get” what the day is about or maybe they truly can’t afford to accommodate everyone’s children which can amount to big numbers.

Personally, I’m having an adult only wedding. No flower girl, no ring bearer. No kids whatsoever at the ceremony or reception. And since we have many family members with babies and young children, I accept that this will probably be viewed by some as a nuisance. To them and all others who feel this way, I apologize.

Just call me child-hating bridezilla.

PS- This picture totally creeps me out-

About a year ago I mentioned how bummed I was about finding out via Facebook how one of my best friends got engaged. I was and am happy for him, but I was sad that he didn’t tell me himself. (Since that post, we have reconciled from our falling out and are now on good terms.) I’ve known the guy since I was 9 and we dated for about a year when we were in high school. My first “real” love, he went off to college, we broke up but remained close friends. I always knew that if I really needed something, he’d be there. It’s that kind of bond you can only have with someone who grew up with you and understands you. But over the college years, we grew apart mainly because of distance and finding our own lives outside of our hometown. In the process, we both found the real loves of our lives and then daily life takes over. Life is busy. It’s hard to maintain relationships- even when you live in the same town with people. But if you don’t live in the same place, it’s even harder.

Anyway, he’s getting married tomorrow to his beautiful fiance. Though she and I have never met, I’m sure she’s a really great person because my friend has great judge of character. I’ve tried many times to arrange get togethers when we’ve all been in my hometown for holidays, but it never worked out. Most likely partially due to that fact and partially because he and I once dated, I was not invited to their wedding. I completely understand the reasoning, and I’m sure I’d give a big HELL NO if my fiance wanted to invite an ex to our wedding, but nonetheless it makes me very sad. I wish I could be there and watch them get married. I wish all the awkwardness with this type of situation (which is unavoidable, I know) wouldn’t be a factor. I wish inviting them to Chris and my wedding wouldn’t be weird. Maybe I wish it was Chris and me getting married tomorrow. I wish a lot of things. What can I say? – I’m secretly an idealist.

When I was 15 or so, I used to joke with him that if he got married before me, I’d be like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding and try to sabotage it by any means I could. Alas, I won’t be doing that. Instead, I called him the other day and offered him some relaxing advice and then I gave him a heartfelt congratulations. I hope he knows I meant it.

Growing up is kinda crappy sometimes. You realize that no matter how much you want to hold on to certain friendships or relationships, you might not be able to anymore or you have to try to be more flexible and adapt them to your new life. Because that life thing continues to take over and slowly you realize that priorities change and loyalties lie elsewhere now. Change is good. I welcome change, though I do wish it were a little easier sometimes. For everyone.

(photo: movie still from My Best Friend’s Wedding)

I had asked a friend of mine since my freshman year of college to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. She has known Chris and me for almost our whole relationship and has been very supportive of the ups and downs that came with it. I appreciated that in her but I’ve recently noticed some tension bubbling between us for awhile. Every time a little disagreement happened, it would get completely blown out of proportion and end up with us not speaking for a couple weeks. Petty arguments are not my thing. I’m a very direct person so I like to address things, resolve them and be done with them. I’ve learned that most disagreements are easy to forgive and forget when it comes to people who matter- but that theory has to go for both people. One person can’t always be playing peacemaker.

Wedding planning is stressful and hard. If fights start to happen with bridesmaids it can cause a friction that’s so horrible for the bride that it can be even more stressful than the wedding itself. This should not be happening. Your bridesmaids are your people who will be there to calm you down, take your stress away, and if necessary run interference between your future mother in law that drives you crazy or your drunk uncles groping guests. They are your go-to girls for whatever you need. They should NOT be bitching about the how inconvenienced they are, complaining about how horrible their dress is, or generally making you want to tear your hair out. If a bridesmaid starts to become a topic of vent sessions… it’s time to do something about it.

Demoting a bridesmaid sucks. It’s uncomfortable and weird, but sometimes it’s necessary to maintain your sanity and you shouldn’t feel badly about it. However, you should take the time to consider what you are about to do. Ask yourself a few questions-
1. Is an uncomfortable 5 minutes of asking them to step down, worth the relief of not having to deal with the person anymore?
2. Has your bridesmaid become a sore subject or topic of stress during your wedding planning?
3. Does your bridesmaid have the potential to ruin your day due to personal mini-dramas or problems because she won’t be able to put it aside for a few hours?

If your answer is yes to any or all of these questions, then you should consider asking your bridesmaid to step down or at least have a serious conversation about your worries and frustrations. If your bad seed bridesmaid cares enough, she will apologize and vow to change her attitude for your day. If she doesn’t and instead tries to argue with you, it’s time to pull the plug.

This is what happened in my case. Another argument ensued, after which I was completely reassured that I made the right decision. I am not a bridezilla and if this happens to you, you aren’t either! You deserve a perfect day and nothing should compromise that.

(book cover photo courtesy of “Bad Bridesmaid” by Siri Agrell)