I’ve always been self conscious about my weight.

Even in high school, when I weighed a whopping 117 lbs. I felt fat. I contribute this terrible body image mostly on growing up as a competition gymnast and the immense pressure to be a waif and partially on my parents constant focus on their own weights while I was a kid. I’m also highly susceptible to the celebrity stories and other media propaganda surrounding weight losses and gains. I’ve been hyper-aware of weight my whole life.

The problem is when I do gain a bit and don’t feel very good about myself, I get so down that I’m defeated before I even start to do anything about it. And then, I try to ignore it. I know I still look ok and therefore just try to forget about it until another 5lbs is gained. You have just been given a glimpse into the vicious cycle of a classic self defeatist.

I know I’m not alone and in that I take great comfort. But here’s where I need some help. With a wedding looming, I need to get healthier. I want the obvious bridal benefit of walking down that aisle feeling like my best and most beautiful self, but I also want the benefit of knowing that I am capable of breaking my terrible cycle. I think our wedding is the perfect time to start a whole new outlook on life. I’m making a commitment to Chris to be a loyal, kind, and faithful wife and I want to make an equal commitment to myself to be a better, healthier, and stronger person both mentally and physically. The help I need from my wonderful readers and friends is the encouragement to help me get through my self defeatism. This kind of stuff runs deep people- really deep. So I need all the help I can get.

I’m beginning my wedding commitment today with a long bike ride and following up with a walk with my dogs. I’ve also joined SparkPeople.com for some tips and camaraderie. Slowly, I will build up to the level I want to be but I don’t want to make any large goals for myself just yet. I’m too scared if I don’t accomplish my goal, I’ll feel like a failure. I’m a little too fragile for an actual failure at the moment, so I’m trying for a gradual, overall lifestyle change.

Please wish me luck and encouragement!!

For all you people who want to join me here are some great websites you can check out:

SparkPeople.com- get an account and you can join a community that will help you set goals and talk to others in your same situation. They also give you recipes and tips to keep on track. It’s an incredible source of information for people trying live healthier and/or lose some weight. It’s easy and everything you need is online. It’s also FREE!!

Weight Watchers- I’ve never done this myself but I’ve heard testimonies from others that swear by Weight Watchers. With the weigh ins and meetings, you find people who feel the same way and don’t look down on you for your weight. You can eat whatever you want while staying in your overall points value for the day. You pay for membership but from what I heard it’s well worth it.

Flat Belly Diet- Sounds like a fad but I’ve seen it work for my future mother in law. It’s a bit tougher to follow since it requires more specific foods to eat, but it does actually work. It’s not really a fad because it is about eating healthier foods such as unrefined, wholesome foods, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and whole grains. Pretty much the basis of all good diets. You can buy the book here.

As much as I love to discuss wedding topics, sometimes I just get burned out. I am beyond excited to become a Mrs. and make that forever commitment to my amazing fiance, but occasionally the things in between getting a pretty shiny ring on my finger and the actual big day are just exhausting. I feel like I’m in an endless tunnel of making phone calls, getting prices, picking colors palettes, determining themes, etc. It makes me want to run away! I’m on theknot.com pretty much every day in search of new pictures and ideas that I might be able to use. But my problem is that I have no idea what I want. Let me clarify- I know my big picture, I just don’t know how to make it happen. I don’t mean to be a big whiney complainer it’s just that-

I feel like I’m walking around with my veil on and embroidered in big rhinestone letters down the back is the word: FAIL.

I’m a girl who has dreamed about my wedding my whole life. So how do I have no idea what I want? It’s a wedding- everything is beautiful and there are so many fun and interesting ideas to choose from. There are endless possibilities to create your perfect day. These options are vast and confusing and it’s hard to choose knowing that this BIG day is your ONE day. There are no do-overs. It’s a lot of pressure! It’s also difficult when you’re planning one out of town. Chris and I have decided to keep our wedding in our hometown, since both of our families reside there. This means every decision we need to make results in a 5+ hour drive from Columbus to Buffalo. We’re coming up on a big decision next weekend: deciding on a venue. We’ve seen one that is a definite maybe and we’re looking at a few more before making a final decision. But we are making a final decision. That thought is exciting and terrifying.

I made another decision too. I am totally in love with these flowers.

They’re anemones. I find them to be completely beautiful. I enjoy things that are slightly unconventional. I want a huge bouquet filled with anemones and fiddleheads. Modern, romantic and slightly whimsical. Perfect. The one pictured was featured on Martha Stewart. I also love the polka dot ribbon.

I know this seems like no big deal. But for an incredibly indecisive person, such as myself, these little things are cause for great celebration! And in my world of bridal FAIL, the little decisions are feats of glory that suggest that maybe I’m not completely hopeless.

I have given this topic a lot of thought. I’ve gone back and forth a million times now with the idea of eloping. Simple, to the point, inexpensive and ultimately you end up exactly where you want to be: married to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Sounds pretty foolproof to me!

To make it extra special you can always make it a destination wedding and pick someplace you’ve always wanted to go or your favorite place in the world. Get married on your first or second day there and spend the rest of time time having your fabulous honeymoon. Or have a fantastic vacation and end it with a bang by getting married at your favorite spot you found during your stay. Either way it’s romantic, spontaneous, and something that only you two will share and increase your newly-made bond.

Some other positives include: no planning, no stress, no family drama. You also can save a lot of money depending on where you do it. By eloping, the money you spend is only on yourselves and not on flowers that will die in 2 days, a cake that you’ll eat 2 bites of, and an open bar that serves mainly to get you embarrassed by your wasted relatives.

I would, however, advise against eloping if you have parents or future in-laws that would be incredibly offended or hurt by not being able to attend your wedding. You don’t want a lifetime of guilt thrown at you because you didn’t give them the option to attend. You also don’t want to look back and regret not having your friends and family there. It’s all about what you want.

I feel like I’m talking to myself. As I continue to decide what I want, I continue to change my mind and become even more indecisive. Chris is with me every step of the way- he says he’ll be happy with whatever I decide because he doesn’t want me to look back and regret anything about our day. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to marry him. Everything else between me and the alter is just fuss. I just want someone else to plan it for me and I’ll just show up. Anyone know how to make that happen?

So I bought my wedding dress 2 weeks ago. The day I bought it I was standing in the accessory room at Cincinnati Bridal and Formal with my future mother in law and sister in law. At that exact moment Chris called me with some mundane question about Coffeemate because he was at the grocery store and I couldn’t help but smile and turn beet red and tell him- “honey I’m standing in my dress! It’s perfect. I’m so excited.”

But for some reason, when I got home I was having second thoughts about my perfect dress. On top of my second guessing, I got a call from my stepsister 3 days later telling me that she too had purchased her dress. As she begins to describe it, my heart sinks a little- it’s kinda similar to mine. Ugh. As if I wasn’t already annoyed enough. So I started re-researching dresses. I called the owner if Cincinnati Bridal and Formal and told him my situation. He sympathized and offered to let me come in as soon as possible and he would allow me to put my deposit towards another dress. (Seriously he’s awesome and a savior.) So I made an appointment for a few days later and made the 2 hour drive back to Cinci from Columbus by myself. I needed to not have any other opinions cloud my judgement. I am easily persuaded and this is a HUGE decision that I needed to make for myself.

I tried on tons of other dresses. I was there for 3 hours trying on everything that was different that the dress I had bought. Including this beauty from Jasmine Couture-
I almost bought her. It was gorgeous and different and made my waist look teeny, which was very exciting. So, I told my very helpful dresser lady to wrap it up. I’d take it. But something wasn’t right. I asked her to hold a minute so I could put my original dress on one more time. As I slipped it on and she pulled and pinned it into place, I got those butterflies all over again. It was deep in my gut. I sat in my dress for a half hour, alone in a room. I emailed pictures to one of my bridesmaids and my stepfather, my mom was on the store’s web cam. I couldn’t make up my mind. I was trying to convince myself that the “new” dress was what I wanted… but it was wrong. I kept thinking about how excited I was when I spoke to Chris on the phone the first time I was in the shop. I could picture myself walking down the aisle towards him in that dress… not the new one. So I thanked the wonderful salespeople for all their help and patience, but I was sticking with MY dress.

The second dress is beautiful and even my mother and stepfather liked it better than my original dress but I knew and my closest friends knew that I was already done. Crisis solved. And I’m so proud of myself for making the decision on my own. Even with the not so wonderful circumstances… I chose what I wanted and that’s a HUGE step for me. And because of that… now there are no second thoughts.

Sorry I can’t show a picture of my actual dress. But if you want to email me, I’m happy to send a little preview!