I suck at being on time. Ever since the move, my commute has more than doubled. Any normal person would probably then make sure they get in their car an extra twenty minutes to make up for that extra bit. But not this punctuality challenged twenty-something. Well that’s not exactly true. I try. I really do. But no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get my ass in gear. I get up early enough- it’s not the sleep that I need. I’m the oldest young person you’ll ever know crawling her ass into bed at 9:30. I get up and have some breakfast, a cup of coffee and turn on the TV. No, I’m not filling my morning with the News about the ever shit-canned economy and job losses or the serial rapist who’s torturing young women all around Columbus- I don’t like to start my morning with things that make me want to cry. Instead, I turn on some trashy reality TV that makes Boyfriend cringe with disgust but makes me feel a little happier when I can say, “well no matter how bad things get for me, at least I’m not some washed up porn star trying her hand at “Charm School” and the only claim to fame I have is trying to screw a washed up 80’s hair band member who’s double my age” or “Wow Spencer is such an asshole, why is Heidi still with him??!! Why is Audrina still talking to them?? The world would be a better place if that cast of tramps just got hit by a bus.” Actually, now that I think about it I’m not sure if that last one makes me feel happier or sadder about my life that I care… food for thought, I guess? 

Anyway, herein lies the problem. I can’t turn it off. Once I start a show- I can’t get up until it’s over. I slowly wake up to this junk, I drink my coffee, and then ever so slowly I drag my ass to the shower. The rest of my morning is a blur of me running around as fast as I can while simultaneously debating whether I want to go the day without wearing makeup or if I’d rather go to work with wet hair. Oh, I might also mention that I do this with reruns of Saved by the Bell playing in the background. Yes, I’m serious. 

Then, as it always happens- when you’re already slightly behind schedule, everything else decides to fuck with you as much as possible. Your dog decides to piss on the carpet after you’ve already taken her out twice and she just stared at you. You get stuck behind a bus full of special needs kids. That barely running train decides to barrel through. The senior citizen in front of you slams on their brakes at every hint of a yellow light. And then of course- BOOM you’re officially charging to your desk 20 minutes late in heels that are NOT inconspicuous, trying to avoid your boss who is getting coffee in the cafe which is conveniently located 15 feet from your desk, turning on your computer and booting up your email to pretend like you’ve been there all morning and secretly rubbing your sprained ankle that you maintained while tripping up the stairs on your rhinoceros-like stampede into the office. 

Here Mr. Senior VP- let me mark that review sheet for you… the punctuality category… hmm… is there a box for “sucks?” Or maybe I should just cancel my DVR service?. (Today is the day that I wish I had Dingo-like photoshop capabilities because this post would make for a classic pic… maybe she’ll take a break from thesis writing and make one for me! haha!)

What do you do when you feel like you’re forced into competition with someone that you have zero interest in competing with? I’ll tell you what I do- I get pissed and then I realize that it’s completely not worth my energy and then I say fuck it. Why would I want to bother trying to scamper to the cheese that I’m being baited with? I’m being tested on purpose and I don’t like it. 

I do want to prove myself. But I don’t want to feel like I have to fight for it. I feel like there’s always a fight and it’s exhausting. If that’s how you get ahead then I don’t know how much I want it anymore. 

So is it healthy competition or do I just say fuck it? Personally I’m leaning towards the latter as I start to notice a theme…

Ever since the purchase of the house, 9 out of 10 people’s responses have been: “wow that’s a big step!… so when are you getting married?” To which I scrunch my face and answer, “ummm… when I’m asked?” Apparently it’s my Scarlet U- for Unmarried. 

Why is there an order for everything? Why is it that there needs to be the marriage to have the house and then the babies to be considered acceptable? I don’t understand. Is it that “carrying the virginal bride into the new threshold” thing? I just want to be happy. And I am! I’m excited for a house. I’m excited to paint and have a garden and put in a fence and beg boyfriend for second dog. I’m excited to not live in an apartment and come home to something that is mine. (Even if it isn’t mine per se since I had 0 financial contribution to it but anyway). I’m excited to decorate a place that I’m not going to move out of in a year. Like I said, I’m just happy.

But sometimes I wonder if it makes me look bad in front of the more conservative crowds? Do they look down on me for my crazy liberal living in sin? And what’s funny, is that for a person who cares entirely too much about what people think, I surprised myself when I realized… I don’t give a shit!! Any of those people who are poo-pooing me for my choice to be happy can go suck it. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to make everyone else happy and for once, I’m starting to see how much more important it is to just make myself happy instead. 

The engagement part would be nice- I’m not going to lie, but why is that the first thing people must ask? For awhile, I was entirely too focused on getting a ring on my finger. Not just because I wanted a ring… I did genuinely want that commitment. But now, I know I have that commitment with or without a rock. I find that so much more important. I’m happy I learned that lesson before I ever got married or engaged. Because if you seriously need a ring for validation then I feel a little sad for your relationship. I used to be that sad person. But now I have no doubt that eventually I will be able to refer to Boyfriend as Husband. So when it comes, it comes. And, I’m just guessing here but, I bet it will be worth the wait. 

For now, I’m brushing up on my interior decorating skills and preparing for negotiations for that second dog… 

What’s your scarlet letter and what does it stand for? 

Guilty. 

I am the office cryer. Well I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I don’t just start crying for no reason. I don’t cry when the printer is out of paper. I don’t even cry when I’m being reprimanded. But when I get really passionate about something or I’m trying to explain why I’m upset or frustrated- sometimes I just can’t hold back the tears.

I hate it! I hate being that one that can’t suck it up. Maybe it’s inexperience. Maybe it’s age. Maybe it’s just that I give a damn. Who knows? But of course I’ve been watching the Olympics- specifically gymnastics. I see these tiny Chinese girls (who are clearly and obviously 12 years old and not 16 as China tries to claim) and the USA women falling or stumbling and carrying themselves off with such grace. You can tell they are upset and maybe even holding back tears but they compose themselves and accept their less than perfect score and move on. I admire that. But even back in my competition gymnast days when I fell off the beam or tripped on floor, I cried. I’m just not good at holding back.

And what’s worse is that once I start- I can’t stop. If someone tries to sympathize or give me a hug of support- I lose it farther! Then it becomes an uncontrollable sobbing. And I’m an ugly cryer. My nose starts to run and my face gets all blotchy. My eyes get so puffy you can barely see them not that it matters because they are completely bloodshot anyway. My hair suddenly becomes a bird nest from my fidgeting and the inevitable bucket of tears and snot that somehow made their way into it. I’m a mess. There’s no coming back from that gracefully. The entire day people come up to talk to you and suddenly stop dead in their tracks because it looks like someone just told you your puppy has been shot. Not exactly the professional picture you’d like to paint. And by that point, I’ve probably fallen into a deep pit of despair and self-loathing for letting something or someone get the better of me that I beat myself up over it for hours and hours- sometimes weeks. Other people have probably long forgotten- but not me.

But now I need to learn. I need to dig deep and shut down the waterworks. Channel my inner Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson. I need to learn some grace and poise. And maybe keep the tissues handy…

Anyone else an office cryer or have a good story about one?

A little while ago, I wrote about how difficult it is to take criticism from coworkers who also happen to be friends. I used the example of my Coworker K. Well maybe I found the reason why. Maybe I have an issue with separating personal from professional. That’s not really a maybe- that’s a definitely. I just can’t seem to separate the two. When can you go to a coworker as a friend and not fear crossing some straight professional line? How much of yourself can you really let people know? And worse yet- when the coworker starts off as a friend first, and then becomes coworker only- it makes the relationship even harder to navigate. Do you pull away completely and close yourself off to all personal contact? Or do you have to play that stupid game where you can only tell some things and not others? I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. I don’t play the games- never have. I’m not a fake person and if I hate you I’m going to tell you. If you upset me, I’m going to let you know. I’m not going to pretend that you’re some wonderful person if you’re not. That’s something I pride myself on. If I worked with my best friend and I got upset with her outside of work for something, then it would be difficult to act like I’m ok with her at work. Even though I know it’s necessary and in a lot of cases, mandatory.

But other than checking every syllable, every thought, and every keystroke- what are we real people supposed to do? We aren’t robots. Our personality is what makes us who we are. I was hired based on my personality- I had 0 experience. My enthusiasm, willingness to learn, and honest acknowledgment of my shortcomings is what got me where I am. And now I feel like those traits that inherently make me who I am- need to be beaten out of me to succeed. Maybe I’m totally off-base. But think about it… someone used this analogy with me the other day and it made a lot of sense. If you absolutely hated the owner of the company you work for or the CEO or someone of that power- would you tell him you hated him or cop some bitchy attitude with him if he asked you to do something. No way! You’d smile and accept any task graciously and eagerly and then you’d get that task done as quickly, efficiently, and beautifully as you possibly could. 

Back to my point. I try to hold my emotions. I try to stay professional. But what if your frustrations don’t lie with the owner of the company? What if they are just with any person at work? Sometimes you just can’t help it. I get upset. I take things personally. I probably shouldn’t, but I do.  You can’t let your personal life interfere with your professional life. But I just don’t know how to shut myself off.

Are we starting to see a pattern here? 

So how do you do it? How do you control your emotions even when you want to scream? Write it off as stupid work problem? Laugh it off? Go home and do a lot of bitching but smile like everything is cool tomorrow? Seriously?! I need some tips!