How do I even begin?

The weekend I’ve been looking forward to for months, ended as a weekend I wish I could completely erase from my memory. Chris and I drove home to Buffalo on Friday the 23rd for my bridal showers. Friday night, Chris went to his parent’s house, taking our dogs with him, so that I could spend time with my bridesmaids and family that were in town at my mother’s house. Friday night was a blast- we drank wine and laughed and I looked forward to continuing the celebration throughout the weekend at my 2 bridal showers and engagement photos with our pups.

What happened Saturday morning still makes my heart stop just thinking about it. Our little pug, Daisy, got into some chocolate Friday night. She seemed fine because it was just some M&Ms. She was so pleased with herself, rolling on her back showing everyone her belly, like she was saying- “HAHA I got em!” She didn’t eat that much, so Chris walked her and she went to the bathroom like normal. Then he put her to bed.

Sometime during the night, Daisy deteriorated. She had a terrible reaction- we’re not sure why- because there was no way she ate enough chocolate for it to be toxic. By morning, my sweet girl was very sick. She couldn’t walk. She had thrown up everywhere. My future sister in law (a vet student) and Chris rushed her immediately to the vet and on the short ride there, Daisy stopped breathing. But she fought and came back to us. But then it happened again and once again she fought. They got her into the vet and he worked on her and worked on her trying to get her to come around. But it was too late. She was gone.

Chris drove to my mothers house to break the news in which I sobbed and sobbed for hours. I petted her fur and held her little body wrapped in a blanket and told her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, what a sweet girl she was, how sorry I was. Chris and I just sat there and cried. Then instead of going to get a mani/pedi with my bridesmaid, I had to say goodbye to my beloved pug, my sweet, precious wonderful Daisy and take her to be cremated.

My bridal showers were a blur. And though they were lovely and I’m so grateful for my family and friends who helped get me through the worst weekend of my life, I can’t help but sit here and think about Daisy.

I’ve been told if you write down your favorite things it can help the pain go away. So I feel like I need to do this so I can start to heal- though I don’t anticipate that actually happening for quite some time. But here are my favorite things about this wonderful little dog who graced my life and made me smile every day.

1. She was the cutest pug I’ve ever seen. I spent so many nights cuddled with her on the couch, petting her little velveteen ears or unwrapping and re-wrapping her curly tail.
2. Her weird toe that curled under and I had to take extra precaution to cut so that it didn’t grow into her foot pad and hurt her.
3. The way she’d chomp down her entire bowl of food in 20 seconds and then try to steal my other dog’s food.
4. Her inside howl. Not a bark- but an actual soft little howl. Mostly signaling that she wanted some attention. God I miss that.
5. You’d ask her if she was hungry or wanted food or a treat and she’d tilt her head so far to one side that you couldn’t help but laugh. Then she’d run to the pantry door barking and barking because she loved her food.
6. No matter how bad she could be or how stubborn, you couldn’t help but smile every time you looked at her because she was always so happy and goofy. She’d do something so silly that you couldn’t help but pick her up and hug her.
7. She loved baths and I’d massage the shampoo into her fur and she’d close her eyes like she was relaxing at a doggy spa.
8. Dancing to the song “That’s Not My Name” by the Ting Tings and imposing Dais – in place of name. So we’d jump around the house with her and dance with her singing “that’s not my dais.”
9. Propping her up to sit on her butt like a person and calling her, our fat little man. Or walking her on her harness and lifting it a little so she walked on her back legs for a few seconds like she was a person. She was so expressive it almost seemed like she was a person.
10. When you’d walk right up to her, she’d immediately just collapse to the floor and roll over. She wanted her belly rubbed and we’d always oblige.
11. The way she demanded attention. If she wanted on your lap, damnit she’d sit there. She had no concept of boundaries, which I joked about often, so she’d climb all over you and try to lick your face. You push her off, she just got right back up.
12. We got her as an 8 week old, 3 lb. puppy and we’d hold her in the palm of our hand.

There are probably thousands more that I could think of, but I’m already sad enough. My heart aches and thus far the pain has not subsided. Our house is so quiet. Our other pets are so sad. I got all these beautiful presents for my shower and I’m so grateful for them, but I’d give every one of them back just to have my Daisy give me kisses again.

The vets don’t think it was the chocolate. There are a few things that could have happened but nothing conclusive and we’ll never know. She’s just gone. It happened quickly, we think, we hope. I can’t bear to think of my little girl suffering. She fought so hard to stay with us and we loved her so much.

Chris and I refused to leave Buffalo without her, so we brought her back home- where she belonged.  We’ve hand-painted her an urn covered in daisies so she can sit on the mantel in the living room. She always wanted to be where we were, so that is where she’ll stay. My Daisy was the best one.

RIP My Sweet Puggy Princess, Daisy.
August 26, 2007 – July 24, 2010
You were our first family member and will always be loved and missed.

So if you know me at all or follow me on twitter, you’re probably aware that I have been laid off for the better part of a year. I was let go from my job last year during this lovely economy and struggled to find something new. Finally I have landed a new gig that promises to be challenging, fun, creative, and incredibly rewarding. I am the new Web Content Producer at ThisWeek Community Media. I’m on my second week and already my head is spinning with possibilities and new information! I love what I’m learning and all the people I work with. This job is exactly what I needed and have been hoping for. I’m so excited to do the things I love everyday as a career.

I also just turned 25 on February 3rd. I’ve heard turning 25 scares a lot of people but this was a birthday I was ready to embrace. It was a quiet and contemplative day and I tried to reflect on what I learned in the last year. This has been a year of exciting events as well as complicated challenges. But overall it was a year of growth in all areas of my life and I am extremely grateful for it. I have wonderful people in my life and overall I am the happiest I’ve ever been. My mind has been opened to possibilities and opportunities that I never thought possible both personally and professionally. I’ve made some great new friends and have been overwhelmed by the community support and encouragement I’ve received from people I’ve never even met. (Twitter rocks!) I’ve gotten rid of some toxic friends and improved my other relationships with those amazing, one of a kind type friends. (Marissa and Miranda- I’m talking about you!) I also feel that my relationship with my sister has grown stronger over the last year and I’m so lucky to have her there for me. But most of all I’m so excited to marry my best friend and love of my life. Chris impresses, amazes, and infatuates me every day and I truly can’t believe I will get to spend the rest of my life with him.

Not to mention that having this new job also makes wedding planning a little easier considering I will actually be able to contribute to our budget. I feel strongly that all couples should contribute something to their wedding budget and I was worried that I might not have been able to. Planning a wedding is really stressful and this new job actually takes some of that stress off of me. (Yeah- a job that takes stress away- how cool is that?)

I wanted to take a little time as well to thank you. I have a wonderful loyal readership and the people who send me emails and ask questions and tweet me are some of the most genuine, awesome people I’ve meet over the last year. Especially you Columbus peeps and the people who helped encourage me to never give up over this tough year. I have found support in people I’ve never met (and some I have briefly) and yet you have been so kind and helpful to me. When I announced I’d finally landed this new job, the flood of congratulations and well wishes I received was overwhelming. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

Seriously- thank you.

I’ve been researching this topic quite a bit recently. It seems to be a hot button on many forums and wedding boards. So I thought it was worth a discussion here.

I polled my twitter friends and overwhemlingly the response came back that adult only receptions or weddings are a reasonable request with a few exceptions. Since this is a big and most likely expensive day, the couple is allowed to dictate a few things. This might be viewed as inconvenient or rude by others and that is something you’ll have to accept, should you decide to have an adult only reception.

You should expect to take some flack from family and friends with kids. However, if you want an adult only reception- which in my opinion is completely reasonable- here are my tips to ensure the least amount of complaints from your guests and therefore less stress for you-

• Pick an age limit- say 10 and under- and discuss with your fiance and parents that no children in that bracket will be invited. No exceptions.
• If a flower girl and/or ring bearer are in your party, consider only having them at the ceremony and not the reception. This backs up your “adult only” policy and will help your case that you are not picking and choosing specific children.
• Clearly communicate this via all wedding invites, info, etc. For example, address the invitations directly to the members of the family who are invited. You can also include the exact number of seats reserved for them on the RSVP card. I would also add a small blurb on your wedding website that says “Adult only” reception in your description. Feel free to see how I worded this request on our personal wedding website.
• Give a personal call to the guests who did not get the message from the invitation and RSVPed with their children anyway. Kindly apologize and explain that children cannot be accommodated. Feel free to throw in the phrase “due to budget” if you need a better excuse.
• Accept the fact that no matter how tactfully you ask, some people might be offended and not come. This is unfortunate but still a possibility and you have to be ready for it.
• Don’t feel guilty! Remember that your guests are not footing your bill nor will they be able to take back the actions of their children should they all of the sudden throw a tantrum in the middle of your vows, which is then captured on video for all eternity. If you want an adult only affair, stick to your guns and try not to feel guilty.
• Offer to hire a couple of babysitters at one of the wedding party hotels or suites, kind of like a temporary daycare for the evening. You can cover an up-front fee for the sitters and then the parents can pay the sitter’s hourly rate per child. This way you look helpful and thoughtful for your guests and less like the child-hating bridezilla.
• For the guests- try to be understanding of the couple’s request. It is not a personal attack against you or your children. The couple just chooses to celebrate with the people who really “get” what the day is about or maybe they truly can’t afford to accommodate everyone’s children which can amount to big numbers.

Personally, I’m having an adult only wedding. No flower girl, no ring bearer. No kids whatsoever at the ceremony or reception. And since we have many family members with babies and young children, I accept that this will probably be viewed by some as a nuisance. To them and all others who feel this way, I apologize.

Just call me child-hating bridezilla.

PS- This picture totally creeps me out-

About a year ago I mentioned how bummed I was about finding out via Facebook how one of my best friends got engaged. I was and am happy for him, but I was sad that he didn’t tell me himself. (Since that post, we have reconciled from our falling out and are now on good terms.) I’ve known the guy since I was 9 and we dated for about a year when we were in high school. My first “real” love, he went off to college, we broke up but remained close friends. I always knew that if I really needed something, he’d be there. It’s that kind of bond you can only have with someone who grew up with you and understands you. But over the college years, we grew apart mainly because of distance and finding our own lives outside of our hometown. In the process, we both found the real loves of our lives and then daily life takes over. Life is busy. It’s hard to maintain relationships- even when you live in the same town with people. But if you don’t live in the same place, it’s even harder.

Anyway, he’s getting married tomorrow to his beautiful fiance. Though she and I have never met, I’m sure she’s a really great person because my friend has great judge of character. I’ve tried many times to arrange get togethers when we’ve all been in my hometown for holidays, but it never worked out. Most likely partially due to that fact and partially because he and I once dated, I was not invited to their wedding. I completely understand the reasoning, and I’m sure I’d give a big HELL NO if my fiance wanted to invite an ex to our wedding, but nonetheless it makes me very sad. I wish I could be there and watch them get married. I wish all the awkwardness with this type of situation (which is unavoidable, I know) wouldn’t be a factor. I wish inviting them to Chris and my wedding wouldn’t be weird. Maybe I wish it was Chris and me getting married tomorrow. I wish a lot of things. What can I say? – I’m secretly an idealist.

When I was 15 or so, I used to joke with him that if he got married before me, I’d be like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding and try to sabotage it by any means I could. Alas, I won’t be doing that. Instead, I called him the other day and offered him some relaxing advice and then I gave him a heartfelt congratulations. I hope he knows I meant it.

Growing up is kinda crappy sometimes. You realize that no matter how much you want to hold on to certain friendships or relationships, you might not be able to anymore or you have to try to be more flexible and adapt them to your new life. Because that life thing continues to take over and slowly you realize that priorities change and loyalties lie elsewhere now. Change is good. I welcome change, though I do wish it were a little easier sometimes. For everyone.

(photo: movie still from My Best Friend’s Wedding)

I’ve always been self conscious about my weight.

Even in high school, when I weighed a whopping 117 lbs. I felt fat. I contribute this terrible body image mostly on growing up as a competition gymnast and the immense pressure to be a waif and partially on my parents constant focus on their own weights while I was a kid. I’m also highly susceptible to the celebrity stories and other media propaganda surrounding weight losses and gains. I’ve been hyper-aware of weight my whole life.

The problem is when I do gain a bit and don’t feel very good about myself, I get so down that I’m defeated before I even start to do anything about it. And then, I try to ignore it. I know I still look ok and therefore just try to forget about it until another 5lbs is gained. You have just been given a glimpse into the vicious cycle of a classic self defeatist.

I know I’m not alone and in that I take great comfort. But here’s where I need some help. With a wedding looming, I need to get healthier. I want the obvious bridal benefit of walking down that aisle feeling like my best and most beautiful self, but I also want the benefit of knowing that I am capable of breaking my terrible cycle. I think our wedding is the perfect time to start a whole new outlook on life. I’m making a commitment to Chris to be a loyal, kind, and faithful wife and I want to make an equal commitment to myself to be a better, healthier, and stronger person both mentally and physically. The help I need from my wonderful readers and friends is the encouragement to help me get through my self defeatism. This kind of stuff runs deep people- really deep. So I need all the help I can get.

I’m beginning my wedding commitment today with a long bike ride and following up with a walk with my dogs. I’ve also joined SparkPeople.com for some tips and camaraderie. Slowly, I will build up to the level I want to be but I don’t want to make any large goals for myself just yet. I’m too scared if I don’t accomplish my goal, I’ll feel like a failure. I’m a little too fragile for an actual failure at the moment, so I’m trying for a gradual, overall lifestyle change.

Please wish me luck and encouragement!!

For all you people who want to join me here are some great websites you can check out:

SparkPeople.com- get an account and you can join a community that will help you set goals and talk to others in your same situation. They also give you recipes and tips to keep on track. It’s an incredible source of information for people trying live healthier and/or lose some weight. It’s easy and everything you need is online. It’s also FREE!!

Weight Watchers- I’ve never done this myself but I’ve heard testimonies from others that swear by Weight Watchers. With the weigh ins and meetings, you find people who feel the same way and don’t look down on you for your weight. You can eat whatever you want while staying in your overall points value for the day. You pay for membership but from what I heard it’s well worth it.

Flat Belly Diet- Sounds like a fad but I’ve seen it work for my future mother in law. It’s a bit tougher to follow since it requires more specific foods to eat, but it does actually work. It’s not really a fad because it is about eating healthier foods such as unrefined, wholesome foods, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and whole grains. Pretty much the basis of all good diets. You can buy the book here.