I suck at being on time. Ever since the move, my commute has more than doubled. Any normal person would probably then make sure they get in their car an extra twenty minutes to make up for that extra bit. But not this punctuality challenged twenty-something. Well that’s not exactly true. I try. I really do. But no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get my ass in gear. I get up early enough- it’s not the sleep that I need. I’m the oldest young person you’ll ever know crawling her ass into bed at 9:30. I get up and have some breakfast, a cup of coffee and turn on the TV. No, I’m not filling my morning with the News about the ever shit-canned economy and job losses or the serial rapist who’s torturing young women all around Columbus- I don’t like to start my morning with things that make me want to cry. Instead, I turn on some trashy reality TV that makes Boyfriend cringe with disgust but makes me feel a little happier when I can say, “well no matter how bad things get for me, at least I’m not some washed up porn star trying her hand at “Charm School” and the only claim to fame I have is trying to screw a washed up 80’s hair band member who’s double my age” or “Wow Spencer is such an asshole, why is Heidi still with him??!! Why is Audrina still talking to them?? The world would be a better place if that cast of tramps just got hit by a bus.” Actually, now that I think about it I’m not sure if that last one makes me feel happier or sadder about my life that I care… food for thought, I guess? 

Anyway, herein lies the problem. I can’t turn it off. Once I start a show- I can’t get up until it’s over. I slowly wake up to this junk, I drink my coffee, and then ever so slowly I drag my ass to the shower. The rest of my morning is a blur of me running around as fast as I can while simultaneously debating whether I want to go the day without wearing makeup or if I’d rather go to work with wet hair. Oh, I might also mention that I do this with reruns of Saved by the Bell playing in the background. Yes, I’m serious. 

Then, as it always happens- when you’re already slightly behind schedule, everything else decides to fuck with you as much as possible. Your dog decides to piss on the carpet after you’ve already taken her out twice and she just stared at you. You get stuck behind a bus full of special needs kids. That barely running train decides to barrel through. The senior citizen in front of you slams on their brakes at every hint of a yellow light. And then of course- BOOM you’re officially charging to your desk 20 minutes late in heels that are NOT inconspicuous, trying to avoid your boss who is getting coffee in the cafe which is conveniently located 15 feet from your desk, turning on your computer and booting up your email to pretend like you’ve been there all morning and secretly rubbing your sprained ankle that you maintained while tripping up the stairs on your rhinoceros-like stampede into the office. 

Here Mr. Senior VP- let me mark that review sheet for you… the punctuality category… hmm… is there a box for “sucks?” Or maybe I should just cancel my DVR service?. (Today is the day that I wish I had Dingo-like photoshop capabilities because this post would make for a classic pic… maybe she’ll take a break from thesis writing and make one for me! haha!)

What do you do when you feel like you’re forced into competition with someone that you have zero interest in competing with? I’ll tell you what I do- I get pissed and then I realize that it’s completely not worth my energy and then I say fuck it. Why would I want to bother trying to scamper to the cheese that I’m being baited with? I’m being tested on purpose and I don’t like it. 

I do want to prove myself. But I don’t want to feel like I have to fight for it. I feel like there’s always a fight and it’s exhausting. If that’s how you get ahead then I don’t know how much I want it anymore. 

So is it healthy competition or do I just say fuck it? Personally I’m leaning towards the latter as I start to notice a theme…

This is the most honest I’ve ever been with myself.

I am a 23 year old idealist masked as a cynic. I hide behind my sarcastic exterior in hopes to be pleasantly surprised by the many untrustworthy, mean-spirited, nasty environment around me. I do my best to surround myself with people and things that make me happy, but no matter where I go there are always people and places who’s apparent goal in life is to try and be a succubus on all that strive for happiness. I choose to normally hide my idealism because I’m afraid of being disappointed and hurt. 

I believe that people should have respect for others- respect for their beliefs, for their life, and for their choices- so long as it doesn’t hinder people’s quest for truth, love, or freedom.

I give people the benefit of the doubt. 

I believe the best in people. 

I do my best to forgive.

I care entirely too much about what people think.

I have a good poker face and play the role of a sharp-tongued, spit-fire to save face when I’m hurt. 

I cry easily.

I think that love is the greatest feeling you could hope for. 

I always want to learn because you can’t know it all- you can only think you know it all. 

I believe that you should always tell the truth so you never have to remember what you told different people, but sometimes it’s better to not know the truth. 

I try to trust myself but often don’t listen to my own intuition and I regret it.

I get discouraged when there is something I can’t accomplish. 

I want to prove people wrong when they doubt me, but mostly it forces me to give up trying. 

I need to know that love and passion can coexist for a lifetime. 

I look for beauty.

I can be extremely negative but sometimes it’s just so people can show me the silver lining.

I find that giving is better than getting. 

I strive for happiness.

I realize this is lofty. I realize the world is not perfect and nothing will always fall into place. But wouldn’t it be nice if it did? I would love to wake up to a bountiful economy where poverty, homelessness, hunger, and pain were no longer an issue. Sometimes I don’t sleep at night because I can’t stop thinking about how sad some of my friends are. I get sick to my stomach when I think about innocent animals that are abused and mistreated.

I am not a martyr. I hope that what I say isn’t making me sound like I’m trying to be one. Maybe that’s why I hide behind cynicism. Because at least cynicism can be funny. Sarcasm can be an excellent rock to hide behind and to help protect the carefully armored shell you helped create for 20+ years. I have a delicate shell and I often incidentally help others in shattering it. But I am an idealist. I want the best for all people and I want them to define what “best” means to them. But it’s so hard to be honest about my Utopian principles when the world is so fucked up that by just turning on any media source in the morning can cause outrage and tears and ruin your entire day. Maybe this is why we turn to an anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressant- to help us cope with the terrible things we hear and see and experience. As much as I wish everything was sunshine and puppies and rainbows, I do understand that they are not and never will be. But for this night that I sit and type this and possibly subject myself and my thin little shell to the sledgehammer of reality… I don’t care. 

Tonight, this is my Idealist Manifesto.

Go ahead and call me jaded. Go ahead and burst my unrealistic bubble. Or tell me- what do you secretly believe in? What is your ideal that you keep no matter how many times you get knocked down? What do you hope for? 

And don’t worry. Tomorrow I’ll be back to my sarcastic self.

As I watch the debate I just have to say a few things… a snippet if you will of my liberal rant to come-

- Palin staring at the camera trying to “address” the American people. It’s all tactic. Joe Biden had nothing to prove and spoke directly to the moderator. I appreciate that. He had nothing to hide while Palin was all about the fake “I’m right there with ya” just look at my hockey mom haircut, and Tina Fey glasses. 

- How do we win a war? Honestly? Some might say that it’s when Iraq can govern itself in a Democratic fashion. But is it? This is a country that has never been politically sound. We can impose our imperialistic beliefs on a country all we want, but that won’t make them politically sound. Is it bad to say- sure we went in for a good reason but now it’s time to leave a losing battle? I call that responsible and taking accountability for actions. 

- Ummmmmmmmm (long pause)

- Dear Sarah Palin, you aren’t in Alaska anymore. Stop talking about it. I understand that your experience is limited to 2 years as a governor of a tiny as shit town but you’re on the national stage now. Get some speech lessons and stop speaking to people like they are 5 years old, “you betcha!” “Goshdoggit.” 

- If I hear the word “maverick” one more time- I’m going puke. Biden has done an excellent job of rebutting everything Palin has said. 

- I want to like Palin. I wish I liked her. But she’s just so irritating. I understand the appeal she could have… the THOUGHT of her is nice- a middle class, hockey mom, lots of kids, she’s good looking, she speaks around the questions well, and she does have a nice quality where she seems like she’s trying to talk directly to the mom and women- but if you actually listen to what she says she doesn’t actually say ANYTHING! 

- Biden brought up his family. And how his wife and daughter died. That felt actually sincere. Especially compared to the rehearsed “mom talk” of Sarah Palin. She uses her family as a crutch AND as a platform. What a crock of shit. She tries so hard to have the appeal of the mom thing. 

Now more than ever I am completely 100% sure of my vote next month. Obama/Biden ‘08!!!! Though I am still secretly hoping Hillary will get a chance at VP spot last minute. A girl can hope right? 

I shall quote Any Poehler, when I say, “I invite the media to grow a pair. And if you can’t, I will lend you mine.” You betcha! 

This week has been extremely productive. I got a ton of things crossed off a very extensive list at work. I feel like I took some great strides in learning to not second guess myself. Some of this second guessing is really messing with my head. It starts me make me feel incompetent and incapable. But then I have days like the last 3 where I learn, I grow, and I get shit done and I did it all without needing a lecture. I needed some self realization minus the condescension that usually surrounds me. It was like a nice confirmation that I don’t suck entirely at my job and I got it all on my own. Thanks for all the kind comments on getting me through the rough times! Those help more than you can know!

Boyfriend and I are in the full throws of house hunting. We were out til 5-8ish on Tuesday night and now we’re going out again tomorrow. We saw 5 houses and hopefully will see 6-7 tomorrow. It’s tiring! But we do have 2 great prospects that I’m very excited about. There were 2 houses that I fell in love with and there are a couple tomorrow that I think will be awesome. The biggest problem right now is the drive. All the houses that are decent and in our price range are quite the drive from work. 40+ minutes. But for the house we might buy… it could be worth it. 

On a gross note, the door to the closet that houses our cat’s litter box got shut! Neither boyfriend nor I has any recollection of this happening. I don’t use the second bedroom for anything and therefore never go in there, but boyfriend swears he did not shut it. But anyway- we both noticed a nasty smell permeating our apartment and finally found the cause… poor cat had no where to relieve himself and took a large poop and multiple pees around the second bedroom. EWWWWW!!! Needless to say our windows are open and the Febreeze is sprayed liberally. 

On top of this crazy stuff going on, I was chasing peeing dog this morning after she peed on the carpet and I took a bit of a nose dive trying to grab her. In doing so, I think I pulled something in my glute muscle. I could barely pick myself up off the floor and hobbled around the office all day. It’s extremely painful. I tried stretching it but just can’t seem to loosen it up. No good. Hobbling around 6 houses tomorrow is going to be rough. 

We need to get out of this apartment. My apologies to the future owners… I do hope they get you some new carpet. Apartment owners can keep the $99 security deposit!! 

Sorry for a bit of a rant here! I’m very very tired and in quite a bit of pain. Peeing dog is a bitch! (But she’s sleeping so sweetly next to me and you would never know she’s the spawn of Satan.)