How do I even begin?

The weekend I’ve been looking forward to for months, ended as a weekend I wish I could completely erase from my memory. Chris and I drove home to Buffalo on Friday the 23rd for my bridal showers. Friday night, Chris went to his parent’s house, taking our dogs with him, so that I could spend time with my bridesmaids and family that were in town at my mother’s house. Friday night was a blast- we drank wine and laughed and I looked forward to continuing the celebration throughout the weekend at my 2 bridal showers and engagement photos with our pups.

What happened Saturday morning still makes my heart stop just thinking about it. Our little pug, Daisy, got into some chocolate Friday night. She seemed fine because it was just some M&Ms. She was so pleased with herself, rolling on her back showing everyone her belly, like she was saying- “HAHA I got em!” She didn’t eat that much, so Chris walked her and she went to the bathroom like normal. Then he put her to bed.

Sometime during the night, Daisy deteriorated. She had a terrible reaction- we’re not sure why- because there was no way she ate enough chocolate for it to be toxic. By morning, my sweet girl was very sick. She couldn’t walk. She had thrown up everywhere. My future sister in law (a vet student) and Chris rushed her immediately to the vet and on the short ride there, Daisy stopped breathing. But she fought and came back to us. But then it happened again and once again she fought. They got her into the vet and he worked on her and worked on her trying to get her to come around. But it was too late. She was gone.

Chris drove to my mothers house to break the news in which I sobbed and sobbed for hours. I petted her fur and held her little body wrapped in a blanket and told her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, what a sweet girl she was, how sorry I was. Chris and I just sat there and cried. Then instead of going to get a mani/pedi with my bridesmaid, I had to say goodbye to my beloved pug, my sweet, precious wonderful Daisy and take her to be cremated.

My bridal showers were a blur. And though they were lovely and I’m so grateful for my family and friends who helped get me through the worst weekend of my life, I can’t help but sit here and think about Daisy.

I’ve been told if you write down your favorite things it can help the pain go away. So I feel like I need to do this so I can start to heal- though I don’t anticipate that actually happening for quite some time. But here are my favorite things about this wonderful little dog who graced my life and made me smile every day.

1. She was the cutest pug I’ve ever seen. I spent so many nights cuddled with her on the couch, petting her little velveteen ears or unwrapping and re-wrapping her curly tail.
2. Her weird toe that curled under and I had to take extra precaution to cut so that it didn’t grow into her foot pad and hurt her.
3. The way she’d chomp down her entire bowl of food in 20 seconds and then try to steal my other dog’s food.
4. Her inside howl. Not a bark- but an actual soft little howl. Mostly signaling that she wanted some attention. God I miss that.
5. You’d ask her if she was hungry or wanted food or a treat and she’d tilt her head so far to one side that you couldn’t help but laugh. Then she’d run to the pantry door barking and barking because she loved her food.
6. No matter how bad she could be or how stubborn, you couldn’t help but smile every time you looked at her because she was always so happy and goofy. She’d do something so silly that you couldn’t help but pick her up and hug her.
7. She loved baths and I’d massage the shampoo into her fur and she’d close her eyes like she was relaxing at a doggy spa.
8. Dancing to the song “That’s Not My Name” by the Ting Tings and imposing Dais – in place of name. So we’d jump around the house with her and dance with her singing “that’s not my dais.”
9. Propping her up to sit on her butt like a person and calling her, our fat little man. Or walking her on her harness and lifting it a little so she walked on her back legs for a few seconds like she was a person. She was so expressive it almost seemed like she was a person.
10. When you’d walk right up to her, she’d immediately just collapse to the floor and roll over. She wanted her belly rubbed and we’d always oblige.
11. The way she demanded attention. If she wanted on your lap, damnit she’d sit there. She had no concept of boundaries, which I joked about often, so she’d climb all over you and try to lick your face. You push her off, she just got right back up.
12. We got her as an 8 week old, 3 lb. puppy and we’d hold her in the palm of our hand.

There are probably thousands more that I could think of, but I’m already sad enough. My heart aches and thus far the pain has not subsided. Our house is so quiet. Our other pets are so sad. I got all these beautiful presents for my shower and I’m so grateful for them, but I’d give every one of them back just to have my Daisy give me kisses again.

The vets don’t think it was the chocolate. There are a few things that could have happened but nothing conclusive and we’ll never know. She’s just gone. It happened quickly, we think, we hope. I can’t bear to think of my little girl suffering. She fought so hard to stay with us and we loved her so much.

Chris and I refused to leave Buffalo without her, so we brought her back home- where she belonged.  We’ve hand-painted her an urn covered in daisies so she can sit on the mantel in the living room. She always wanted to be where we were, so that is where she’ll stay. My Daisy was the best one.

RIP My Sweet Puggy Princess, Daisy.
August 26, 2007 – July 24, 2010
You were our first family member and will always be loved and missed.

I know another month+ bloggy absence but I promise it’s for a good reason and I return with a plethora of new wedding resources for all my favorite brides out there. Now that we are almost at the 6 month mark- my life has turned into wedding madness. I have been inundated with new tasks just about every day. Before I accomplish one thing- I remember another and I fly into a frenzy of Googling and researching. Currently in my thought process…

1. Correct size of wedding shoes. I chose Martinez Valero, “Ozzie” in black satin. I’m so tall when I wear them! 4 and 1/2 inches with a 3/4 platform. LOVES it. Check out 6pm.com for awesome deals on designer shoes. They are the outlet website for Zappos- so I promise it’s legit. Just make sure you double check the right size- because they don’t have exchanges available- so you’ll have to return and reorder if they are wrong. But you can’t beat the deals.

2. Candles. I ordered about 200 candles from YummiCandles.com. I have wrapped them individually with different types of lace to go with our theme. I highly recommend the company- you can order pretty much any candle you can imagine in any color you need for a great price and they are a company out of my hometown in Buffalo, NY.

3. Rehearsal dinner/lunch. Being that our rehearsal will fall on New Year’s Eve- it is making our plans to find a restaurant difficult. It’s difficult to get anyone to accommodate such a large party on a holiday. I’m hoping we found the place finally. It’s called Bacchus and it’s associate with the catering company we are using for the actual wedding. Major score! Amazing food, amazing service, amazing everything. Another plus- it’s a wine bar!! How perfect considering we got engaged in Napa! Thank you again to Austin at Asbury Hall- the best damn wedding coordinator you could hope for. Seriously- if you want to get married in Buffalo- get married at Asbury Hall. You won’t regret it.

4. Lights for the venue. We are using Buffalo BalloonMasters to hang across the balconies on and we are sharing the cost with another bride who’s in the same venue the night before us. It will add such a fabulous ambiance to the room- especially since our ceremony and reception are in the same room. Saving cost by not having to decorate 2 separate spaces.

5. Weight loss. I’m 8 lbs. down! WOOHOO!!! This is major cause for celebration. I haven’t seen this number on the scale in quite some time. I contribute this a lot to working out and Jazzercise and also to making much better food choices, but also taking the time to relax as well and eat when I’m hungry. Who would have thought- diet and exercise are finally working! I’d like to lose 5 more by the end of the month and then work on the last 10 through the Fall. I think I can do it!!

6. Budget budget budget. Enough said. We are doing well but I’m always nervous because there are always things you forget about!

7. Our engagement shoot with Elisha Orin. I have an idea of “vintage picnic” in the downtown Elmwood area of Buffalo. It’s always been one of my favorite places and I think it would be fun to showcase some of the things Chris and I love. I’m currently searching for adorable outfits and props. I also can’t wait to meet Elisha. If you haven’t seen her work- check it out because she’s incredible.

8. Bridemaids and parents gifts! I have the BEST idea ever (which I cannot divulge here because some of my girls tune into read this little blog) but I’m on the hunt for what I need. Hint- it will make pictures completely fun.

9. Save the dates have officially been sent- very exciting news! I’m getting lots of emails and texts from people saying they love them! Now I’ve got to finalize the invitations and get those ordered. If you need an awesome designer try Shana at PoshPaperWorks.com. Custom designs at unbeatable prices. Shana has made some beautiful stuff for us and I’m so excited to see the final product.

10. Photo booth. I really want a photo booth at the wedding. I think it’s fun and quirky and the guests will love it. But the best price I’ve found is still $700 for 4 hours of time. That’s NOT cheap. Now I’m considering DIY options. I love these chalkboard speech bubbles and how much fun I’ve seen the guests having in all the pictures of weddings who had them. I think I can do it myself but it’s another project- do I really want to take something else on right now?

11. Bridal showers. Yes I said showers. There are 2 separate showers in Buffalo back to back to include all the family that wants to come. That’s a LOT of bridal madness. It’ll be really fun though and I’m looking forward to seeing everyone there. It’s nice to know how many people want to celebrate with you. I think some of my friends are also planning another shower here in Columbus because they can’t make it to Buffalo for the others. I’m a lucky girl to have such wonderful people in my life.

12. Music. I have a fabulous DJ for the reception- thanks to Signature Entertainment (who has also promised not to turn into my DJ nightmare filled with the chicken dance or We Are Family). I also have a jazz band for the ceremony which is being run by a friend of mine and I’m trying to figure out exactly what I want played and if it’s even possible with small jazz trio or quartet. More on this later…

I think that about covers it but I hope that somewhat explains my recent absence in blogging. I can’t blog when I’m out there actually planning! There are so many decisions to make. I should probably write about them more so I can work out my thoughts and not be so scattered. I’ll work on that.

6 more months and this will all be over. Would you believe me if I told you I was excited for the end to come? 2 year engagements are a LONG time. Please leave words of encouragement so I don’t have another bridal breakdown.

I’m happy to say that my dress has finally come in. Well, I should say it finally came in for the second time. This wait was much worse than the first considering the disaster that unfolded the first time around- Manufacturing problems all over the place and so small I could barely zip it up. A serious blow to my self esteem. Anyway, the dress was shipped to my house and I sat and stared at the box for about an hour, scared to open it. Too much was riding on this dress. Will everything be fixed? Or was I going to have to go out hunting again for the perfect dress that I thought I already found? Ugh.
So I got up the courage to open the box. At first glance things looked ok. Certainly much better than before. Next step… put the dress on. Slowly step in. Zip up… pause. It fits. Holy crap it fits! (Pretty sure there was a chorus of angels singing in the background at this point.) I walked over to my mirror and started to scrutinize. Everything was better. I no longer looked like 10 lbs. of potatoes in a 5 lb. sack. I actually looked good. In fact, I looked damn good! The color and fabric is perfect. Definitely still need alterations like most wedding dresses, but it fits exactly the way a wedding dress should fit when you first put it on.
I’m so happy. I’m thrilled because this is absolutely, 100% my dress. I got those feelings again. Those feelings that make me so excited and anxious to walk down the aisle towards Chris in this dress. He’s going to love this dress. I’m going to feel beautiful wearing this dress. I’m marrying the love of my life in this dress.

As much as I actually dislike the holidays, I really love a great Christmas/New Year engagement story. I love the winter and fires, stockings and confetti, lots of champagne… etc. So for all you men out there hoping to propose to your girlfriend this Christmas, I wish you good luck! I also come to you offering some advice. Christmas is a great day for proposals but you have to remember how your girlfriend feels. For me, Christmas is generally filled with stress and anxiety-filled family messes… if this is the same for your girlfriend, maybe plan a quiet time with just the two of you, alone, special and totally romantic. Take the stress away by reminding her that you’ll always be there for her and that you love her more than anything. She’ll be so happy she won’t remember any anxiety surrounding the crazy holidays. If your girlfriend is really close with her family and relishes in some attention and holiday joy, maybe plan a proposal on Christmas morning surrounded by her family. She’ll be so thrilled that her whole family got to be in on your special moment and you’ll have a great story for your many years together.

Another helpful tip and this goes for all proposals… not just ones around the holidays: always ask the family power figure for their blessing before you pop the question. I’m a big fan of this tradition. It’s not so much asking “permission” anymore as it is a nice gesture that shows your respect for her family and your desire to become a part of it. Your sincerity will be welcomed and you will most likely earn major brownie points from her family. (Chris had to ask 2 sets of parents, since mine are divorced. He even let my mom wear my ring because she loved it so much! And then he put up with my stepfather asking him about 10 times if he was “sure about this”… jokingly, of course. haha!)

The way you propose will say a lot about how well you know her and it will be the story she will tell hundreds of people. It will be one of the best moments of your life. Put some thought into your plan. Think about a few key points you’d like to tell her when you’re down on one knee… but don’t stress about memorizing a long speech. It’s really not about how much you say- it’s how you say it. And though you’ll be nervous, try to relax as much as you can. You’re about to embark on the best adventure of your life with the person you love more than anything.

I wish you good luck, congratulations, and happy holidays!!

(photo courtesy of Jazzlolo [Lauren Kennedy Photography] on FlickR)

Nothing can end engagement bliss quite like discussing the wedding budget. Pretty much the only time Chris and I ever get angry with one another is when discussing where the wedding funds will be going. As my Twitter friend @mirnygirly so wisely pointed out “It’s only a problem if you don’t have enough.” And who really has “enough” cash these days? In this economy stretching your money is a talent and a necessity. But even pinching those pennies as small as you can still might not get you as much as you hoped.

Be careful not to let the budget overwhelm you. If you’re like me, you’re probably doing most of the planning yourself while only bugging the groom when his opinion is necessary. Try to sit down every few weeks and show your groom what you are doing. Show him where your funds are going. This way he can see where you’re cutting costs and together you can identify the areas where you want to scrimp or splurge. Make sure there is plenty of compromise and that your vision for your day is in alignment and that both of you are being realistic about the cost of everything and what you can actually spend.

When either of you starts to feel a minor heart attack coming on over costs, put down your computer and step away from your number crunching. Go do something fun together that takes your mind off of planning. Come back to it with clear minds in a day or so and decide what can be done then. You won’t get anywhere yelling at each other and you won’t be open to hearing what the other person has to say. Take a step back and make sure the wedding budget isn’t slowly ruining your relationship one deposit at a time.

Your day will be beautiful because you’re celebrating your commitment and love to one another and that’s the same whether you spend $10,000 or $100,000. When you think of it that way, you’ll start to realize how silly you’ve been over chair covers or soup vs. salad. You can also rest assured that you won’t have to file for bankruptcy (or divorce) the day after you return from your honeymoon.

Photo Courtesy of WeddingSource.com