This is the most honest I’ve ever been with myself.

I am a 23 year old idealist masked as a cynic. I hide behind my sarcastic exterior in hopes to be pleasantly surprised by the many untrustworthy, mean-spirited, nasty environment around me. I do my best to surround myself with people and things that make me happy, but no matter where I go there are always people and places who’s apparent goal in life is to try and be a succubus on all that strive for happiness. I choose to normally hide my idealism because I’m afraid of being disappointed and hurt. 

I believe that people should have respect for others- respect for their beliefs, for their life, and for their choices- so long as it doesn’t hinder people’s quest for truth, love, or freedom.

I give people the benefit of the doubt. 

I believe the best in people. 

I do my best to forgive.

I care entirely too much about what people think.

I have a good poker face and play the role of a sharp-tongued, spit-fire to save face when I’m hurt. 

I cry easily.

I think that love is the greatest feeling you could hope for. 

I always want to learn because you can’t know it all- you can only think you know it all. 

I believe that you should always tell the truth so you never have to remember what you told different people, but sometimes it’s better to not know the truth. 

I try to trust myself but often don’t listen to my own intuition and I regret it.

I get discouraged when there is something I can’t accomplish. 

I want to prove people wrong when they doubt me, but mostly it forces me to give up trying. 

I need to know that love and passion can coexist for a lifetime. 

I look for beauty.

I can be extremely negative but sometimes it’s just so people can show me the silver lining.

I find that giving is better than getting. 

I strive for happiness.

I realize this is lofty. I realize the world is not perfect and nothing will always fall into place. But wouldn’t it be nice if it did? I would love to wake up to a bountiful economy where poverty, homelessness, hunger, and pain were no longer an issue. Sometimes I don’t sleep at night because I can’t stop thinking about how sad some of my friends are. I get sick to my stomach when I think about innocent animals that are abused and mistreated.

I am not a martyr. I hope that what I say isn’t making me sound like I’m trying to be one. Maybe that’s why I hide behind cynicism. Because at least cynicism can be funny. Sarcasm can be an excellent rock to hide behind and to help protect the carefully armored shell you helped create for 20+ years. I have a delicate shell and I often incidentally help others in shattering it. But I am an idealist. I want the best for all people and I want them to define what “best” means to them. But it’s so hard to be honest about my Utopian principles when the world is so fucked up that by just turning on any media source in the morning can cause outrage and tears and ruin your entire day. Maybe this is why we turn to an anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressant- to help us cope with the terrible things we hear and see and experience. As much as I wish everything was sunshine and puppies and rainbows, I do understand that they are not and never will be. But for this night that I sit and type this and possibly subject myself and my thin little shell to the sledgehammer of reality… I don’t care. 

Tonight, this is my Idealist Manifesto.

Go ahead and call me jaded. Go ahead and burst my unrealistic bubble. Or tell me- what do you secretly believe in? What is your ideal that you keep no matter how many times you get knocked down? What do you hope for? 

And don’t worry. Tomorrow I’ll be back to my sarcastic self.

As I watch the debate I just have to say a few things… a snippet if you will of my liberal rant to come-

- Palin staring at the camera trying to “address” the American people. It’s all tactic. Joe Biden had nothing to prove and spoke directly to the moderator. I appreciate that. He had nothing to hide while Palin was all about the fake “I’m right there with ya” just look at my hockey mom haircut, and Tina Fey glasses. 

- How do we win a war? Honestly? Some might say that it’s when Iraq can govern itself in a Democratic fashion. But is it? This is a country that has never been politically sound. We can impose our imperialistic beliefs on a country all we want, but that won’t make them politically sound. Is it bad to say- sure we went in for a good reason but now it’s time to leave a losing battle? I call that responsible and taking accountability for actions. 

- Ummmmmmmmm (long pause)

- Dear Sarah Palin, you aren’t in Alaska anymore. Stop talking about it. I understand that your experience is limited to 2 years as a governor of a tiny as shit town but you’re on the national stage now. Get some speech lessons and stop speaking to people like they are 5 years old, “you betcha!” “Goshdoggit.” 

- If I hear the word “maverick” one more time- I’m going puke. Biden has done an excellent job of rebutting everything Palin has said. 

- I want to like Palin. I wish I liked her. But she’s just so irritating. I understand the appeal she could have… the THOUGHT of her is nice- a middle class, hockey mom, lots of kids, she’s good looking, she speaks around the questions well, and she does have a nice quality where she seems like she’s trying to talk directly to the mom and women- but if you actually listen to what she says she doesn’t actually say ANYTHING! 

- Biden brought up his family. And how his wife and daughter died. That felt actually sincere. Especially compared to the rehearsed “mom talk” of Sarah Palin. She uses her family as a crutch AND as a platform. What a crock of shit. She tries so hard to have the appeal of the mom thing. 

Now more than ever I am completely 100% sure of my vote next month. Obama/Biden ’08!!!! Though I am still secretly hoping Hillary will get a chance at VP spot last minute. A girl can hope right? 

I shall quote Any Poehler, when I say, “I invite the media to grow a pair. And if you can’t, I will lend you mine.” You betcha! 

This week has been extremely productive. I got a ton of things crossed off a very extensive list at work. I feel like I took some great strides in learning to not second guess myself. Some of this second guessing is really messing with my head. It starts me make me feel incompetent and incapable. But then I have days like the last 3 where I learn, I grow, and I get shit done and I did it all without needing a lecture. I needed some self realization minus the condescension that usually surrounds me. It was like a nice confirmation that I don’t suck entirely at my job and I got it all on my own. Thanks for all the kind comments on getting me through the rough times! Those help more than you can know!

Boyfriend and I are in the full throws of house hunting. We were out til 5-8ish on Tuesday night and now we’re going out again tomorrow. We saw 5 houses and hopefully will see 6-7 tomorrow. It’s tiring! But we do have 2 great prospects that I’m very excited about. There were 2 houses that I fell in love with and there are a couple tomorrow that I think will be awesome. The biggest problem right now is the drive. All the houses that are decent and in our price range are quite the drive from work. 40+ minutes. But for the house we might buy… it could be worth it. 

On a gross note, the door to the closet that houses our cat’s litter box got shut! Neither boyfriend nor I has any recollection of this happening. I don’t use the second bedroom for anything and therefore never go in there, but boyfriend swears he did not shut it. But anyway- we both noticed a nasty smell permeating our apartment and finally found the cause… poor cat had no where to relieve himself and took a large poop and multiple pees around the second bedroom. EWWWWW!!! Needless to say our windows are open and the Febreeze is sprayed liberally. 

On top of this crazy stuff going on, I was chasing peeing dog this morning after she peed on the carpet and I took a bit of a nose dive trying to grab her. In doing so, I think I pulled something in my glute muscle. I could barely pick myself up off the floor and hobbled around the office all day. It’s extremely painful. I tried stretching it but just can’t seem to loosen it up. No good. Hobbling around 6 houses tomorrow is going to be rough. 

We need to get out of this apartment. My apologies to the future owners… I do hope they get you some new carpet. Apartment owners can keep the $99 security deposit!! 

Sorry for a bit of a rant here! I’m very very tired and in quite a bit of pain. Peeing dog is a bitch! (But she’s sleeping so sweetly next to me and you would never know she’s the spawn of Satan.) 

So I’m thinking my post title says it all. But in case you didn’t know, my childhood cat was hit by a car and died about a month ago. I went home last weekend for Sister’s bridal shower. (Pictures and stories to come…)  When I walk into my parent’s house late Friday night after working a full day and driving for 5.5 hours to get to Buffalo, my mother was considerate enough to remove the tin of my cat’s ashes from my room. She knew that I would be tired and easily irritable from the terrible Ohio drivers and crappy road food. But I still wanted to see “him.” I asked her to tell me the whole story. 

And even though I asked, I didn’t want to know. But I asked therefore implying that I did want to know and so she told me. 

My mother and stepfather were eating dinner in the backyard when the phone rings. The neighbor who called asked my mother where our cat was. My mom told her she just saw him and he was probably running around somewhere. My neighbor told my mom not to go out front and that she was going to “take care of it.” My mother being who she is walks out front. There was my beloved Charlie cat at the bottom of the driveway. 

So by this point I’m crying and I ask my mom… again with the questions you don’t really want the answers to… “Mom, was it bad?” 

“Well, Meg… yeah… it was pretty bad. But he didn’t suffer.” 

Then I got to find that he was scrapped off the road with a shovel.

So she tells me that she took the tin out of my room so that it wasn’t the first thing I saw when I got in my room. But then she told me that he was in the spare bedroom. I went into the room and lost it for about a half hour. Just lost it. Every emotion I’ve been feeling in the past month was completely let loose in that spare room as I sat on the floor. 13 years of memories with my Charlie-cat were spilled out onto that floor. Now is ashes- which are really crushed bones- yeah… not cool- are in my bedroom waiting to be spread amongst the trees behind my house. Which I will… when I can officially let him go. 

Now it’s not that I wouldn’t have cried my eyes out anyway had I not heard the story because trust me I did… but some things you just shouldn’t know. And furthermore- I need to learn to not ask. 

I’ve had a few conversations with my friends lately. They all seem to revolve around relationships and careers and how they can’t seem to be happy. Well oddly enough, I’m reading the new Cosmo magazine with Scarlett Johansson on the cover and found an article about how women in their early 20′s are more likely to be unhappy than women in their late 20′s and beyond. 

Mostly this is because they are feeling the pressure of “what’s next” or “what should I be doing” vs “am I happy in what I’m doing right now” or “how can I make myself happy right now?” It’s a weird thing. I won’t lie- I am the happiest I have ever been (at this exact moment in time). Sometimes I see everyone around me getting engaged and/or married and I get frustrated. I get that whole, but it should be MY turn now

 complex and it sets me off my rocker making me feel like I’m unhappy or should be unhappy. But it’s just a stupid expectation and want. Because really, I AM happy! And therefore I’ve been trying lately to let that expectation go and to just have fun. It’s been working and I am certainly having a LOT of fun! 

But I see a lot of my friend who aren’t happy. My brilliant, beautiful, sweet, kind, thoughtful friends who have everything going for them. Some are unhappy because they have buttheads for boyfriends and aren’t getting what they need out of the relationship and another one of my friends is so stressed over school, school debt and relationship hoopla that she’s practically given herself an ulcer. 

We all feel the pressure that we should be doing something that we aren’t. Or that we should have something that we don’t. Women especially are made to feel like they aren’t complete if they don’t have that thing that everyone around them seems to have. It’s so silly but yet so understandable. Why do we put such pressure on ourselves to have the great career, husband/boyfriend, AND (insert whatever else here)? Why is what what we have never good enough? And don’t get me wrong- I am not ok with settling- and that’s not what I mean at all. But more so, where does this pressure come from and why is it so mind numbingly awful to not have the things we think we should have? 

I don’t want to come off as preachy or sound like- ‘Oh I’m so happy and therefore I have found the key to life’s happiness’- because I hate to break it to you all, I absolutely do not and I definitely have my insecure days. The days where I see others that have what I want and feel like I should have them too (right now!)- I get so upset that I usually take it out on poor confused boyfriend who’s thinking what freaking switch just got flipped or trying to search for my stash of crazypills. But on the day to day, generally I’m very happy and grateful for what I have. But really, who doesn’t want it all? I think what bugs me is that women often internalize this and think, “what’s wrong with me that I don’t have this?” We, Gen Y-ers are born to want it all and when we don’t, it makes us feel like we aren’t good enough. But I want to know… why. 

So I leave it to you, brilliant readers. Why are we so hell bent on having it all? What are you wanting right now that you don’t have. Then tell me- how do you plan on getting it or how do you plan on letting the unnecessary go?